For Her

I am an optimist.

I’ve tried so hard to give that up. I think that I could see things more clearly as a realist, or even a pessimist, but I could not keep either of those mindsets. I’d be in it for a couple days (maybe) and then realize I HATED myself for even trying to do something that wasn’t me. Me being – an optimist.

Every time someone comes to me with an issue, one of the first things that comes out of my mouth is, “Well, have you tried looking at it from his or her side?” Most of the time, the answer is, “…no…” And that’s understandable. Why, in the moment, would you want to genuinely react to something that has happened to you while at the same time rack your brain to try to see it from the other person’s perspective to decide whether or not you being angry should or should be a deserved emotion? It’s okay, you can reread that if you’d like, I let that run on for a bit. You get my point, though; it doesn’t make sense. It is, however, what I do about 95% of the time. The other 5% is that animal instinct that takes charge and then I don’t know what’s happening until I wake up from it and see blood everywhere and all I have are SOOO many questions!

I digress to the point of this post. I love my daughter. I love her so so so so so very much, and as anyone could assume, I want the world for her. It wasn’t until recently that I started to wonder if getting her the world would be such a terrible gift. The world is beautiful, with it’s mountains, and rivers, and forests, and everything else. But the world is so ugly with it’s fighting, and hate, and evil. I naturally see the good in people, no matter what, and I’ve now seen instances of people where I couldn’t see good in them. I could not figure out why that person hated these other people as much as they did. I absolutely cannot wrap my brain around it. Why would I want those people for my daughter?

I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to show the wee babs all of the most wondrous things that exist, while still explaining to her how much senseless killing there is in the world. I know that I have a little while to figure this out, as she is 15 months old; but the clock is ticking, and as time goes on, and these horrific events keep taking place, I get further and further away from an answer. There are times I think, “What have I done? Why have I put this on her to endure?” And it’s then that I realize that even though she isn’t even capable of forming complete sentences yet, she has made SO many people’s days. Just her smile, giggle, and clapping have turned my days completely around. She is everything!

So, this post is a promise to her- to Ellie. I will try my very hardest to show you everything there is in the world. All of the good, the bad, the ugly, but also, how much power you have to make a difference in the world. There may be bad people in the world and there may be bad events, but there is one good thing that will defeat all of them.

I love you, Ellie.